fighting,

I can't get over fights as easy as you. 

i cant just go back to smileys and i love yous. 

its not that easy. 

i dont recover from a fight like it never happened. 

fights aactually hurt me. 

they make me forget that we even love each other. 

after we fight, im just in a horrible mood. 

and every single time you move on after 10 minutes. well i can't. 

i dont like fighting. and when we do , i cant just bounce back. 

you may forget the fight. 

but i dont. 

i remember every single word. 

i have remembered every single hurtful thing youve said. 

i think about our last break up everyday. 

im just a girl. girls are fragile. I am fragile. 

but for your sake, 

i just say, its fine...(: 

for you, i say, i love you too, after a fight, even when i dont feel like saying it because im still shaken from that fight. 

its just easier for me to say those things,  so that we dont fight anymore. 

but what i really want to do? i just want to think about what it means to love someone. 

i hate this fighting. i love you. i try not to do it. it kills me. 

why do we fight when we love each other? 

whatever reason we have ever come up with is BULL. 

B

U

L

L 

there is no excuse for fighting. 

how can i explain how much i love you? how much i wish we would never fight. how it kills me that i dont know how to end a fight. 

im in love with you .

thats why im writing this. 

to try to put all my anger and love into words on a blog, because I cant talk to you. 

i cant find the right words to say , after we have fought. 

i just dont know how to get over it. 

Wow, shut up.

I'm not a nightmare, mom, 

nor am I a bomb, 

that isn't the right words to be calling your child,

even if you think those words are just mild. 

You toss words around, 

you think you don't make a sound, 

well, you do, you are loud,  

I hear you, I've heard all the mean names you've called me up until now.

Isn't a mother supposed to give her daughter confidence? 

Doesn't seem like that's like it in this instance,

I don't think you see your influence,

in my life's balance.

I don't think you realized that, 

I'm not hear to chat, 

I've closed myself in my cave, 

staying far away from all of you, staying sane and brave. 

<3 

Farther and farther

Farther and farther we spread, 

not knowing how it will affect us in the end, 

if only you understood me, 

and let me be who I want to be. 

Don't tell me I'm a hot mess, 

and let me dress how I want to dress, 

I know you don't see, 

how it really hurts me.

I guess you love me somewhere deep inside, 

but I'm tired of waiting for that part of you to come alive, 

respect your daughter for who she is, 

and maybe we could go back to the good times I miss. 

Nobody is perfect, need I remind you? 

Stop treating me like I am wrong in everything I do, 

I'm just a girl who goes through life, 

wondering why I'm not good enough to suffice.

I don't need you to judge the choices I make, 

like who to date, or what tests I need to "retake"

i get judged enough by people in high school, 

please don't be like those people who think they are "cool"

I usually never get brought down by others, 

but really? from fathers and mothers? 

You just laugh and roll your eyes,

but don't you see I'm about to cry? 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not good enough, 

but then I think again and realize I'm done,  

I'm going to be whatever God made me to be, 

Elizabeth Marie Slattery. 

I think I'm beginning to understand it a lot more.

Sometimes I just sit && think about life, and about things that make no sense. One thing that is always on my mind is how God could kill such innocent people. I believe that no one deserves to die. Not even someone who has killed other people himself. Everyone has a chance to be born, everyone should have the chance to live their life to the absolute fullest. To fall in love, to go to college, to get married, to have children, have their dream job, to be those adorable old couples I see everywhere. But for some reason, not everyone gets those chances. Some even die as little kids, or even before they come out of their mother. That is just really depressing to me. && whenever I think about all that, I question WHY God would do something like that. If he says he loves everyone and all why would he let that happen? That has been troubling me for a while, I question everything sometimes. But I think finally I understand. In the beginning, God gave us free will, he did not want to be dictating what we do, or controlling us in any way. He wanted us to think of him as just a slight force, a little nudge in the right direction, he guides us in the right direction when we ask of him. We look up to him for answers and he gives us things to help FIND the answer. He never wanted to make us do what he wanted, he didn't want robots he wanted humans. He wanted to create things that would love him not because they had to because they wanted to. Don't you agree? But he knew that with that came consequences, that with us choosing for ourselves, we could choose to harm ourselves or one another. That when you don't control what happens, something bad isn't something you can stop. 

I could never be God, never ever. I would never be able to watch that. The people you love and created, treating each other so badly. I would never be able to see a complete accident happen and someone die from it. 

Wait, now I'm confused again. I realized that God influences things that we do. Very secretively. he performs miracles, yes I do believe in them. He saves people from fires, from accidents, and from illness. Not only that, he helps people reach him and love him even more. I'm not even going to lie, I have doubted God, & I have doubted if I even believed in him. I have to live up to my feelings. The only reason I have ever thought that way is because of something like this. About stopping bad things from happening. I'm not even that big of a Christian, && I know I will never be, but I do think about these things. I'm confused because if God helps us && does all that for us, then why can't he stop an accident from happening? Does he know how many people it affects?  I guess.....I think it's the same about natural disasters. He can stop them but he chooses not to. God knows everything, he knows the past , present, and future. So I don't think anyone without a reason could just sit && watch. Maybe he doesn't stop all those bad things is because he knows he has to. He made a choice that he would give us free will. He helps us with those little miracles because he knows he has to do at least something! He does those things to help us get past all the bad things.He loves us so much and even when all these bad things happen, he KNOWS it will be alright. He knows our future, what we will eat tomorrow, what we will be when we grow up. I know that when things so terrible happen, it's not the end of the world, && I know that God is up there crying. It must be hard for him to see such a wonderful world go so bad. Killing people, natural disasters, rude human beings, abortion, people that hate gays, racism, war. But I think it reassures him that there are good people in this world. that even when people get so far from him, that they are still good people deep down. I know I have gotten really off topic but this has been on my mind a lot lately. 

I will never be the Christian everyone always tries to be. I will never go to church every Sunday of my life. I will never think that I have to dress up for God. I will not talk about God in everyday conversation. I will never pray ALL the time. That's not me. I will never love && worship God the way some people do. I won't deny that. I need to stop pretending to be something I'm not. You know, I'm scared to go to confession. I've never gone. Ever. Don't tell my mom that. I honestly don't believe in confessing my sins to some random pastor I hardly know. I would rather just say them when I pray. It's the same to me, except I'm speaking directly to God. I don't like having to sit there && think of things you did wrong in your life. I haven't done anything in my life that I need to be forgiven for. && If I have I have already told God that I was sorry & things like that. I have confessed. At home. Because I was truly sorry for what I did. I was a bully at one point, I was mean, & I have hit someone before. I don't like that part of me, & I have prayed that I won't ever be like that again. I did that in my own time when I was ready. In a confession room , you say a bunch of things you want to be forgiven for. Well, your not sorry, you just don't want God to disown you. That's why I don't believe in confession. Anyways, I'm trying to say is that, this is me expressing my thoughts. & I"m going to stop being something I'm not. 

Well dang, I had another thing to talk about but I forgot. Sorry. I'm so mad at myself. grrr. 

 I remembered!!! Okay, so another thing is I think that even if you don't go to church you can be holy. You can love God & pray & all that. I also think that you can love God without expressing it or by going to church every Sunday. yes, I go to church but I think you can be holy even without a church. It's just about loving God . you don't need a building. But I'm not saying its not good to go either. I'm just saying. I think that you could love him even if you aren't a certain religion. I think that's how I will be one day. I do love God. Just.....................